Tuesday 3 August 2010

The Fear

So the last 4 weeks ish my intestines have been an utter mong. I've been on humira injections and Mercaptopurine for the past 2 years after a nasty Crohn's flare that left me hospitalised on IV steroids. Things ever since I started on humira have been *touch coffee table* alot better. My tummy troubles have eased and I have been a happier bunny. The only downside is my immunity virtually disappeared. If there is anything floating around, I'll catch it. It's a certainty.

The symptoms in this recent episode of illness resembled those of a viral infection to begin with. I couldn't move my ass off the settee, whereas the week before I had been dragging bloke on 5 miles country walks. I was nauseous, flu like, aching and raging hot. My GP did bloods and the only thing that showed was anaemia. So he put it down to a virus rather than flare up of Crohns. The flu symptoms ebbed away but my tummy left aching, churning, bloated and heavy. I got scared.

I have the fear you see. I think you have to have a chronic illness of some form to experience the fear. You spend long periods of your life trying to overcome your disease, trying not let it take over and be in control. Thinking positive, eating healthier, being a feisty little madam! It takes its toll though. Maybe not the first flare up, or the second. But when your condition becomes harder to knock into touch. When the steroids don't work. The fear is overwhelming. Its tiring fighting all the time. So to get to the point when you are relatively fit and healthy and the mere thought you are going to end up back at point A. Well, it bites.

My mindset has been dominated by this fear, so I booked to see my consultant to see if it was a flare and what we could do. He knows me really well, I've had Crohns since being 16 and hes seen me through the bulk of it. He did a physical examination and spoke to me in length and quenched my worries (kinda, it never leaves me!). He said a recent antibiotic course, the iron tablets and virus had affected the scarring from previous flares in my intestine and that he didn't think it was a flare but to give it 6 weeks to calm down and if it hadn't have a colonoscopy.

So I'm thinking soothing thoughts. I'm drinking peppermint tea. I'm having probiotic yoghurts and drinks daily. Swallowing buscopan like sweets. Ive been learning rugby skills with bloke and laughing lots. I can't control this thing, but I can look after myself. The vicious circle of worrying is a fricker to break but I have to do this. Life's too beautiful to spend it with the fear!

I feel a tad better already!

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